Bells

August 25th, 2008


Big Ben
Little Knell

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Confession

August 22nd, 2008

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I had impure thoughts, punched
my sister, masturbated three times, and stole some cookies.

It’s okay, Son. Say three Our Fathers and three Hail Marys,and
you’re absolved. You can go to Communion tomorrow morning,
and then if you’re run over by a truck you go straight to heaven.

What a relief.

Say, Father, if that would happen, if I were run over and died and
went to heaven, how would it be? I mean, what do you get?

Everything you ever wanted, Son. You get to have impure thoughts,
punch your sister, masturbate, and steal all the cookies you can eat.

Live right, kid, Heaven is sweet.

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Guest Poet (8)

August 19th, 2008

Light verse springs from a long and distinguished tradition. Following are lines from Sir Alan Patrick Herbert, a member of the British Parliament representing Oxford and longtime contributor to Punch, who wrote under the byline A.P. Herbert.

 


Lines for a Worthy Person
Who has drifted by accident
Into a Chelsea revel
 
 
It is a very curious fact
That those who write or paint or act,
Compose or etch
Or sculp or sketch,
Or practise things like pottery
Have not got consciences like us,
Are frankly not monogamous;
Their moral tone
Is all their own,
Their love affairs a lottery.
It’s hard to say why writing verse
Should terminate in drink or worse,
Why flutes and harps
And flats and sharps
Should lead to indiscretions;
But if you read the Poets’ Lives
You’ll find the number of their wives
In fact exceeds
The normal needs
Of almost all professions.

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Safety Advice

August 16th, 2008

Excerpted from Uncalculated Risks
Never drive an oncoming car, and never ride in one. Nothing good ever happens to oncoming cars. They are forever colliding with vehicles that travel in the proper direction, but out of control.

This is one precaution that the National Safety Council and the various auto clubs have failed to list. Their experts have explored the science of unwholesome driving habits so intensively that they overlook the obvious.

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Lassie, Come Home

August 13th, 2008

                          I
                               abandon
                                               my
                                                    beloved
                                         pets
                           in
           various
cities,
           knowing
                     that
                          one
                               day
                                          one
                                               of
                                                    them
                                               may
                                          find
                               his
           way
                               home,
and I’ll be
          SO
               HAPPY
                         TO SEE HIM!
 

Posted in BIRDS & BEASTS | No Comments » | email

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