Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I had impure thoughts, punched
my sister, masturbated three times, and stole some cookies.
It's okay, Son. Say three Our Fathers and three Hail Marys,and
you're absolved. You can go to Communion tomorrow morning,
and then if you're run over by a truck you go straight to heaven.
What a relief.
Say, Father, if that would happen, if I were run over and died and
went to heaven, how would it be? I mean, what do you get?
Everything you ever wanted, Son. You get to have impure thoughts,
punch your sister, masturbate, and steal all the cookies you can eat.
Live right, kid, Heaven is sweet.
|Excerpted from Uncalculated Risks|
Never drive an oncoming car, and never ride in one. Nothing good ever happens to oncoming cars. They are forever colliding with vehicles that travel in the proper direction, but out of control.
This is one precaution that the National Safety Council and the various auto clubs have failed to list. Their experts have explored the science of unwholesome driving habits so intensively that they overlook the obvious.
and I'll be
TO SEE HIM!
In fender fields, jalopies grow|
between the crossroads, row on row
of sacked sedans whose parts are prized
and sold, or slowly oxidized
As all roads lead to other roads,
all metal's destined to corrode,
all fenders finally are bent,
'til half the country is cement,
all lined and signed with Stops and Yields;
the other half is fender fields
"If Instead of Apes
We Had Come from Grapes"
is a book of light verse
written and illustrated
by Alan Van Dine