The Dog-Whisperer
Entry for 2018-01-07

Memo to the Smartest People on Earth

As in the 1980s, the heyday of KKR, Michael Milken, and Carl Icahn, "private equity" groups are once again outsmarting everyone. They're taking over hundreds of companies, and one of the most fearsome predators is among the most secretive. You may never have heard of it, but it now controls 45 companies and 250,000 employees grossing $50 billion a year. Only trouble is, when this gang shows up on the scene, the people they hope to woo perceive them as the forces of darkness.

To address this public relations problem, they're plowing money into lobbying efforts, contributing heavily to Republican candidates, retaining a PR firm, and hiring whole phalanxes of impeccable big-name executives including the most recent secretary of the treasury. Expensive, sure, but what else can they do?

From a longtime communications consultant, here's a free tip for the legendary geniuses running Cerberus Capital Management:


CHANGE YOUR *#@&*%$#* NAME!!

Three heads couldn't think of that?